Reflections on Being a Quintessential Twenty-Something

I stumbled across an article a few weeks ago that I knew I must read – and comment on – but until now hadn't found the time to do so.

The article, entitled Semi-Charmed Life, was published in the New Yorker by Nathan Heller.  Take the time to read it if you have a chance.*  It's amazing.

Ok, you back (or still here)?  Good.

The article looks at twenty-something-ness as a unique phase in everyone’s lives.  It talks about how this phase in our life is special because it is so varied – all of us are doing so many different things, someone of us are doing it all at once, and somehow that draws us together.  Parts of the article stuck out to me as hitting a proverbial nail on the head.

As I draw much closer to the end of my 20s than the beginning, I've spent a lot of time thinking about where I’ve come from and where I’ll be in a few years. 

• I entered my 20s a college student – over worked, over tired, over partied, over committed, overly single, and probably with a checking account nearly over drawn. 
• My early-mid 20s were spent slaving away at a job I hated in order to pay the bills. 
• I quit said job in my still early-mid-20s to go back to being overly broke and started grad school – I was again a full time student, working two full time jobs, and in a truly terrible relationship.
• I spent most of my mid-20s focusing on my career.  My checking account was still over drawn half the time but I was working my ass off at something I loved and - too be honest - having way to good of a time.
• With the recent move (and the entry into the definite late-20s of my life), I’ve refocused a little.  I’m still working hard, doing something I love, but I’m also focusing on my relationships more, building up that bank account, and losing the weight that comes along with having a good time.

It’s hard to think that all of that can happen in less than 7 years.  Harder yet to believe that all of my best friends could describe very different paths in their 20s and yet all of our experiences resonate with one another – we are all drawn together even if nothing about our lives appears to meld well.

At one point, Heller says that one of the most interesting part of everyone’s 20s is that “Where you start out—rich or poor, rustic or urbane—won’t determine where you end up, perhaps, but it will determine how you get there.”  This could not be more true. 

The article also mentions a clinical psychologist who observes that – contrary to the carefree attitude that people see in 20-somethings – as a whole we are horribly unsatisfied.  We feel that our lives are not what we hoped for.  I think my meandering path above demonstrates that I have felt the same way.  There are defining moments in that story – literal “wake up in the morning and realize something has to change” moments – where I was so unsatisfied that I was willing to give everything up to make a change.  And I did.  Multiple times.

So where am I going with all of this?  That is the ultimate question, isn’t it?  I may have almost 2 years left to my 20s but I’m already feeling the pressure to figure it out.  Thankfully, these days, the 30s are the new 20s so I have a few years to get there.  The article even addresses that fact.  In the 90s, the "it-girls" on TV were like Ally McBeal - late 20-something, desperate, single women.  Today, the "freak out timeline" focuses more on the Liz Lemon's of the world - late 30s.  As the article states: "There’s no shame now in being a twentysomething without imminent family plans, and there may even be extra power."

Near the end of the article, Heller makes this observation.

Twentysomething culture is intimate and exclusive on the one hand, and eternal on the other. We tout this stage of life, in retrospect, as free, although we ogle the far shores of adulthood while we’re there.

When I read those sentences, it suddenly all made sense to me.  Why this stage in my life is so special.  Why I feel the need to write about it on the blog that so few people read.  Why I strive to improve with each new step I take.

We live in a world where almost everything about it is readily available to virtual strangers.  At the same time,  we know more than ever about how to shape that intimacy.  That's what this blog is all about, isn't it?  Putting my thoughts out into the world in a way that truly expresses what is on my heart.  I am able to express myself - no one can take that away.  

I have the freedom every day to do what I want still.  I have no husband, no children, at home to answer to.  And yet, as I near the end of the 20s, I've come to realize that that "far shore of adulthood" isn't so far away afterall.  That maybe it's ok to be anchored down a little.

*Did you miss the post on my Facebook page with the link last week?  Make sure you like the page so you don't miss anything in the future!

Why I Blog

Alternatively Titled: What I Don't Blog About

I've been having a bit of a blogging identity crisis for the last month or so. I got this fantastic new design, my readership is up (at least slightly), I've been posting regularly... but none of it has felt genuine. 

I've spent a lot of time thinking about it, writing about it, consulting others in the blog world, reading literally hundreds of other blogs, and debating what to do about it.

I boiled it down to a couple of questions. Most importantly, why do I blog in the first place?

I started blogging to give me an outlet to write, specifically about my life, my babies, and my books. I have always been a reader first and a writer second - with everything else in my life coming after those two priorities to be honest - and I wanted some place to combine the two. I planned to write a blog to share with others but of course, like all bloggers, hoped to grow my readership well beyond my small social circle.

I started blogging to give myself a voice.

I started blogging to keep my family up-to-date on all of the life changes - at least the ones I am able to share on the Internet.

After answering my first question, I moved on to the second. What don't I want to write about?

I love fashion - and admittedly have a shopping problem - but don't have any desire to write about that. Mostly because I have a crappy camera that takes terrible pictures, I don't have a roommate or spouse to help me out, and honestly, I just hate how I look in photographs. Wonky eyeballs - trust me. So a fashion-focused blog is out.

I cook a lot but mostly things that don't require a recipe. No one cares about how I spruced up my store-bought spaghetti sauce with an extra green pepper I had laying around. It might taste great but seriously - who cares?

I'm not all that crafty. When I am, it's usually an idea I stole off the internet so there's no need for me to put it out there again.

I'm not a mom so clearly I can't be a mommy blogger - unless I talk about my cats all the time. And while I love them, even I would get sick of that.

I don't travel to exotic places and the vast majority of my travel is work related so really, there's nothing to talk about there.

I'm not a photographer (see aforementioned comment about crappy camera and wonky eyeballs) so personally, I have no desire to have a photo-heavy blog.

All of these "NO" answers left me without a niche - something you supposedly need in the blogging world. And yet, I still want to write. I've heard that no one reads blogs with lots of words and that might be true. I might never have 1,000 followers (or 100 for that matter) and I might never have 10,000 hits a day (or a week or a year) but I want to write. Plus, I read text heavy blogs every single day. In fact, some of my favorite blogs are published by people who I have never met but who let me into their life every day through their words - not their pictures!

I emailed one of those bloggers this morning to thank them for being true to themselves and inspiring someone like me to keep writing. She replied with this profound thought.

I'm not a "niche" blogger. Some say you "have" to have a niche. Okay, fine. So, my niche, then, is "Aramelle."

So I'm stealing that. My niche is now "Rikki." I'm going to keep writing about me, my cats, and my books. Some people may not like it but I'm not doing it for some people. I'm doing it for me. I'd love for you to hang in there with me but if you don't want to read this much, I'll understand.

The Great Hair Debate

Anyone who has known me for more than a year knows that I can rock quite a wide variety of hairstyles.  Let's take a quick trip through the last six years, shall we?

Yep, all of those hairstyles in the last six years.  It's been really long and really short, really brown and really red, and everything in between.

I grew my hair out for my sister's wedding and fully expected to chop it the Monday after because I've always loved it super short.  But now I'm not so sure.  What do you think?

Should I go super short again ala Ginnifer Goodwin?  Stick somewhere in the middle like this sassy style?  Or keep it longer like my new hair idol Kate from The Small Things Blog?  

Someone please weigh in.  Its not often that I need other people's opinions!

Redefining Happiness

A while back, I wrote a post "Celebrating Women" in honor of Mothers Day.  In addition to the writings I've done on the topic, I've been following along with some of the "Mommy Wars" (please tell me you didn't miss this little gem from The Bloggess) which really aren't limited to "Mommies" but rather have tentacles to women everywhere who are just trying to do the best they can.  Too much of the conversation these days is negativity about how women are perfect at one aspect of their life and not at every other area.

The latest controversial post to hit the big time is this article by Anne-Marie Slaughter entitled "Why Women Still Can't Have it All."  Her article, written from the perspective of an incredibly high-powered woman, resonates with me big time.  I've been doing a lot of soul searching about what my priorities are, what I see for my future, whether I ever want to settle down and start a family, what kind of person I want to be remembered as... all big things hanging over my head for the last six months or so.  I don't know what all of my answers will be to those big questions yet but I do know that I need to redefine my own version of the American Dream if I want to survive.


I've learned that no one, not men or women, no one can possibly survive and really have it all because our definition of "having it all" is a disaster.  Something has to suffer because we are not super-human.  I hate to break it to all of you out there who are still "living the dream" but it isn't possible to do everything perfectly 100% of the time!  And it may never be possible but certainly not right now.  I love Slaughter's closing paragraph of the article.

We’ll create a better society in the process, for all women. We may need to put a woman in the White House before we are able to change the conditions of the women working at Walmart. But when we do, we will stop talking about whether women can have it all. We will properly focus on how we can help all Americans have healthy, happy, productive lives, valuing the people they love as much as the success they seek.

Re-envisioning what "success" means is a tough lesson for me sometimes because I truly love being seen as someone who excels in a career-focused environment.  I like being a big fish in a small pond, if you will, but in order to be that, even though I'm new to this whole career thing and not finished with my education, I have had to set other things aside.

I don't even have a family yet or possibly ever (aka - children... because you couldn't possibly have a family if you haven't given birth) and I've still had to make some tough decisions about how I want to prioritize my life.  I took a job in a city where I didn't know anyone, far away from my family, in order to excel in my career.  I've done exactly that.  But for the first 2 years that I lived here, that was all that I did.  I can honestly say that I didn't really have friends in that time - much less have any semblance of a dating life.  In order to be closer to my family, I'll probably have to take a step back in my career.  I have always wanted to pursue my PhD but that requires me to put my career on hold completely and probably move to an entirely new and different place.    As I've realized that I can't put relationships on hold, and can't rule out the fact that I may want to settle down some day, I've realized that might mean making sacrifices in my career.  The problem is, I don't like sacrifice.


That being said, the latest realization I've come to is that maybe I don't need to be "the best" at anything.  Maybe just being average at it all is ok.  I hate mediocrity but that's not what I'm talking about.  Maybe it's absolutely perfect not to climb so high in my career, pursue the terminal degree in the same way I once thought, marry a rich doctor and have a dozen perfectly adjusted kids.  


Maybe the American dream, having it all, should be more along the lines of finding a career that you love and that you are decent at, get as much education as you enjoy getting, fall in love if you meet someone worthy of sharing the rest of your life and have kids if it suits you.  


It's not lowering expectations.  It's redefining happiness.  At least for me it is.

I Have a Confession To Make...

So to the few people out there who are reading this, I have a confession to make.

All of this blogging lately has felt very forced. 

I'm feeling like I don't have a voice or anything interesting to say and I'm feeling downright not pretty enough, funny enough, creative enough, smart enough, fill-in-the-blank enough to even be trying right now.

Maybe it's because I decided recently I want to be a real blogger with a real point of view that people who don't know me want to read about.  So I start looking at all of these other people who are out there doing that in order to help determine my niche and I realized I'm never going to cut it. 

I can't take cute pictures of my outfits and put them out there because a) I don't have that cute of outfits and b) I am horrible at taking self portraits. 

I can't do anything fun and DIY-y because all of my DIY projects are taken from other people and that's just lame. 

My job isn't all the interesting and the parts that are, I can't really talk about out on the internet.

I'm not all that funny. 

I'm not a new mom - and I really don't want to be possibly ever.

I haven't been reading classic works of art that people want to hear about. 

I don't travel around the world having adventures. 

I'm not on a dating quest to find the perfect person for me.

I'm constantly looking to others for inspiration and am not all that inspiring myself.

I might just be the least interesting person on the internet.  I literally had a post scheduled about how I made lunch leftovers last for a week of meals.  (Don't worry - I'm sparing you from that one.) 

Maybe I'm just not cut out for this blogging thing. 

It's not only about the blogging.  Really, everything I've done lately has felt very forced, very inauthentic.  

My life lately has been filled with so many people doing so many wonderful things and I feel like I'm just spinning my wheels and am going nowhere.  I'm not good with mediocrity and that's what my life is filled with right now.  I might simply be "good" enough but that's never been okay with me.

So there.  This might be the most honest post I've written in a while.  Deal with it.

And stay tuned tomorrow for another Favorite Things Friday post.  Because really, I will keep trying.  For now at least.

Celebrating Women

So I know Mothers Day has come and gone but I'm a bit behind on my "daily" reading of articles, other blogs, magazines, on and on and on... So bear with me.  This week, I'll be writing a few different posts responding to a couple of things I should have read closer to Mothers Day.  I want to reflect on these, mostly because my mom is a) awesome and b) incredible but also because it's worth discussing the power of awesome and incredible women every day not just one day in the year where Hallmark tells us to talk about it.  That's not to say I think of Mothers Day as just a Hallmark holiday in the least.  Quite the opposite.

This paragraph from a recent Math Geek Mom post on Mama PhD, a blog I read regularly from InsideHigherEd.com, has stuck with me.

Mother’s Day is often anticipated with advertisements for flowers and greeting cards, with hardly a mention of the very radical origin of the day. Indeed, the day was created by Julia Ward Howe in 1870 as a day for women, especially mothers, to come together to work for peace. The day’s founders proposed that the women of the world, with a vested interest in the well-being of the next generation, could find ways to create a better world. As I think of the women I know who mother, I have to agree.

If that's true, which I'm assuming it is, that's awesome.  Seriously awesome.  In part because Mothers Day isn't about being a good mom or a bad mom or a trying-really-hard mom or not being a mom at all.  It's about celebrating women.

Celebrating the power of women coming together to change the world.  

Celebrating leaving this place better for those that come after us than it was for our own generations.

I've talked about this a little before, but I want to discuss it again.  I am not a mom.  I don't know that I ever want to be a mom.  But I cherish the children in my life who I am blessed to be close to.  And I serve as a mother / big sister / crazy aunt / mentor to dozens of students at the many colleges where I've worked.  I had multiple "Happy Pseudo-Mothers Day" messages.

That in no way diminishes true moms out there.  I made a point to reach out to all the mommies in my life - my friends who have small children or are expecting - and was so grateful to spend Mothers Day with my own mom and sister - something we haven't always had the luxury to do since we're all spread out.

But Mothers Day was created to be bigger than that.

It was created to to celebrate the power of positive female interaction.  And again, that's just awesome.

Too often, women are tough on one another.  We get down on each out about how we look and what we wear, what we say and what we don't say, how we parent or don't parent (more on that in a later post)... really, we get down on each other for just about everything.  And in turn we get down on ourselves and it's a ridiculous vicious cycle.

Basically this long "Mothers Day" rant is a reminder to be nice to one another.  To remember the origin of Mothers Day every single day.  To remember to celebrate the power we all have when we work together instead of working against.

It's worth reading the entire article I linked above, by the way.  All of those women mentioned are worth celebrating.  All of them.  As are all of us out there not mothering but who are trying our damnedest to make a difference in this world.

It's not that men can't do it.  It's that we shouldn't let them do everything when we could be so powerful on our own.